


abandon all your logic (and put your money on it)

by deandratb



Category: One Day at a Time (TV 2017)
Genre: Alternate Reality, Canon Compliant, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-22
Updated: 2019-10-10
Packaged: 2020-07-09 19:45:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19893319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deandratb/pseuds/deandratb
Summary: Penelope woke up in bed with Schneider. Naked. And very, very confused. Post-canon AU.





	1. i feel so unrehearsed

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dorothy_williams](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dorothy_williams/gifts).



> This started out as a silly response to the prompt 'mirror' and became a whole thing. Most chapters will be short, so that I can update more quickly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to Chelsea for encouraging this. You will hold a place of great honor in my kingdom someday.

Penelope woke up in bed with Schneider.

_That was weird._

But somehow, that was not the strangest part. _It wasn’t her bed._

And he was sprawled half across her, in a way that was both overly familiar and so uncomfortable, she couldn’t figure out how she had possibly slept through it.

_Also, she was naked._

She cataloged all those things with her eyes closed, squeezed tight in self-defense against the many facts she couldn’t explain-and the sight that had greeted her upon waking.

_Schneider was naked, too._

His breathing was deep in the thick, slow rhythm of sleep, which made her feel safe enough to open her eyes again, holding perfectly still beneath him while she looked around.

_Okay, so she was in his bed._

She’d never been in his bed before, but she recognized his bedroom--albeit from a different angle than she’d ever seen it from in the past.

_Why the hell was she naked in a bed with Schneider? How did she even get in his apartment?_

The last thing she remembered was going to sleep in her own bed, in her own apartment. Her weekend had been long, with Elena finally settled at college and the last of Alex’s school supplies picked up for the start of his sophomore year. 

But it had also been a good couple of days, even though it made her sad. Her little girl was going to Columbia, and Alex understood that he would be keeping his grades up if he wanted to play baseball this year--though he was showing real potential for scouts and scholarships, she refused to let him be one of those men who retired with no other skills at thirty. _Even if he had his own mansion._

 _She saw Schneider yesterday,_ Penelope thought, forehead wrinkled in concentration as he slept next to her. 

He’d gone with her to help move Elena into her dorm, and drove her home when they got back. Penelope couldn’t believe he’d actually parked his car at the airport before their flight out--the fees were insane. 

Saying goodbye to their new Ivy Leaguer was so emotional, though, that she was worn through and fell asleep on the plane. She didn’t comment on the money he owed LAX as they left. It was just nice to be home with minimal stress.

He’d even treated her to lunch, joking about Elena’s new dorm room until she stopped feeling like she was about to cry at any moment. He’d come over to dinner that night too, the whole family pretending Elena’s absence wasn’t a bittersweet presence at the table.

But none of that explained this. She very clearly remembered ending the day alone, in her own bedroom. 

So this had to be a dream. 

_That was the only logical conclusion,_ she decided, and that meant that none of this was real.

Why she was having what seemed very much like a post-sex dream about Schneider was a question Penelope would deal with after she woke up. 

As Schneider began to stir, his arms hugging her tight for a second before he moved to the empty side of the bed, she wished hard that she knew how to make herself wake up. She’d never been any good at that--it would have been a nice skill to have after she came home from Afghanistan.

It would really come in handy now. 

Schneider stretched with a groan, then turned to look at her, face transforming into a sleepy smile. 

“Hey, Pen.”

 _Hey, Pen?_ She thought, starting to feel hysterical. He woke up practically smothering her into a pillow--naked--and that was all he had to say for himself?

_Wake up, wake up, wake up._

It wasn’t working, and Schneider’s hand brushed her side before splaying across her stomach. 

“Sleep okay?”

She was having the sneaking suspicion that holding very still and waiting to wake up weren’t going to cut it. What was the normal procedure for a lucid dream? Playing along? 

“I think so,” she replied, trying to keep her voice steady. Dream Schneider clearly thought this was a normal morning, so she needed to pretend she did too. _Even though Dream Schneider was insane._

“Good.” He turned back her way, long enough to press a kiss to her bare shoulder, then sat up. Feeling extra aware of his lack of clothing, Penelope kept her eyes fixed on the ceiling.

“It’s your turn to make breakfast,” he reminded her through a yawn. “Want me to take it?”

“God, no.” _What would Schneider even make for breakfast?_ _She was sure she didn’t want to find out._

“Hey,” he complained. “You promised to stop teasing me about how I cook. You ate like four waffles yesterday before work, so I don’t believe you anyway.”

Sufficiently scolded, Penelope squeezed her eyes shut until she saw stars. _Nope, still here._

She gave up trying to induce a wake-up. “Sorry.”

“Apology accepted. You’ve got a couple hours until we need to be downstairs, if you want to grab more sleep.”

“No...I’m good.”

Good was the wrong word, on so many levels.

“‘Kay.” Schneider left the bed. She felt the movement and listened to the sound of him opening doors and drawers. 

_Thank god_. 

At least if he put some clothes on, she could face him. Maybe figure out why she was dreaming like this. 

She’d had dreams with Schneider in them before; that wasn’t weird. He was in her life, so it made sense that he would pop up in her dreams. As her best friend, as part of the family...one confusing night, as her husband in an arranged marriage? Her brain got real freaky sometimes. 

But she’d never dreamed them into a life like this--where it was normal for her to wake up in Schneider’s bed. 

She knew it had to be normal, in this dream world, because when she braved a look in his direction, next to a half-dressed Schneider she saw her own lotion and lipstick on top of his dresser. 

And those were her clothes in his closet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title borrowed from "Living In Dreams" by Kina Grannis.


	2. all the shapes I know are gone

Not sure how else to handle the situation, Penelope waited until Schneider was in the bathroom to yank on the pajamas she found on her side of the bed. 

_At least now Schneider wouldn't be seeing her naked._ That could remain a distant fear that hovered in the back of her mind whenever she was surprised by his presence in her house.

Even before this morning, she was pretty resigned to her chances of seeing **him** naked--that felt more like a certainty than a possibility, with his tendency to use their shower uninvited. And she had been comforted by the belief that his embarrassment would be worse than hers, after it happened. 

In this dream world, he'd already seen her naked, but Penelope refused to acknowledge that. It didn't count. 

Clad in a familiar pair of pajamas, she considered searching the room. It might help her get to the bottom of their living situation. _Were all her things here, or just some of them? What was here that wasn't in her regular life?_

But she could hear Schneider humming off-key, reminding her that he would be back any second. She might be stuck in this dream, but she didn't have to stay in his room. Where Schneider would be returning any second. 

_Where they seemed like they spent time together, naked, a lot._

Fleeing the room was a matter of survival--before she thought herself into a panic attack.

The kitchen was a more neutral zone, Penelope decided. _Hoped._ She fixed a quick breakfast for Schneider, trying to look comfortable in his kitchen.

It wasn't as hard as she expected it to be; his kitchen was organized a lot like her own. It gave Penelope a sense of _deja vu._ Every cabinet looked familiar on the inside, when she'd never used them before.

Because it was Schneider’s kitchen, though, it was full of gadgets. A few were definitely from late-night infomercials. _If he’d actually used all of the contraptions she found, she would be shocked._

The good news was that she didn’t have to worry about using an extra spatula or too many forks–he seemed like he’d bought out an entire kitchen supply store.

While Penelope cooked, she turned over the morning so far in her head, looking for something to cling to that made sense.

_Yes, she really had woken up naked next to Schneider. Yes, he really had been naked, too, and totally comfortable with it._

_No, she didn’t understand that at all._

He’d been making himself at home in her house since before she and the kids moved back in. Penelope knew her _Mami_ had invited him over a lot, especially after Berto died. But there was a huge difference between finding Schneider asleep on her couch in his workout clothes–or showing up at his place in her pajamas–and the situation she was now dreaming herself into.

All signs pointed to her and Schneider living together, in a serious commitment kind of way.

She didn’t know what to do with his comment about going downstairs later. To her apartment, she assumed. _Was it still her apartment? Were they sharing that too?_

It must be a weekend day, Penelope decided, since he didn't mention her heading to work. Which meant she was not only in the dark about the life she was currently living…she didn’t even know what day it was. She couldn’t pass one of those basic mental exams they gave patients for a wellness check.

This was insane. She just had to ride it out until she woke up.

It didn’t feel like a dream, but that was the only possible explanation–a dream or maybe a concussion. With vivid hallucinations. In which she was sleeping with Schneider.

She wanted to scream, but even from the parlor, there was no way Schneider wouldn’t hear that. _Hold it together, Penelope. You can do this. What would dream-you do?_

Well, she **wouldn’t** throw the spatula across the kitchen and tell Schneider to make his own frickin’ breakfast, so she could start there.

With her panic locked firmly down, Penelope brought him a plate, setting her own next to it on his coffee table. There was no dining area next to the kitchen, so she had always assumed he ate in front of the TV when he was alone. _Or maybe in his room?_

Though it didn’t seem like a place for snacking, now that she had woken up in it. His bedroom had a very ‘used for official activities only’ vibe.

Including sex. Which he had with her.

_God, what the hell kind of reality was she in right now?_

Penelope froze, her fork halfway to her mouth.

Then, more slowly, as Schneider praised the food he was digging into beside her…

_What reality was she in?_

Penelope swallowed slow bites of her breakfast, barely tasting the food. Schneider felt miles away sitting next to her, as the idea took hold.

His living room was full of her, just like his bedroom. She kept catching sight of things that did not belong here any more than she did.

Boys 2 Men albums next to his meticulous collection of records.

Gold earrings she’d gotten for Christmas a few years ago, sitting on a shelf like she’d taken them off on her way in the door.

_Was it even possible?_

She’d never had a dream that felt this, well, **real.** And at this point she wasn’t sure how to tell which idea was more crazy. Sanity had left the building when she caught an accidental glimpse of full frontal Schneider an hour ago.

But considering the possibility of this new explanation just created more questions than it answered.

Because if she wasn’t dreaming, and she was in some bizarre version of reality–how was she supposed to get back home?

_And how did she end up here in the first place?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title borrowed from "Surrender" by Walk The Moon.


	3. feel the ground beneath sweep and sway

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who commented on this one and waited for updates! Life happened, but there are more chapters coming. :)

The more the day insisted on progressing, with no sign that she was dreaming. the more Penelope’s second theory felt valid.

 _Okay,_ _plan of action, Penelope,_ she ordered herself after breakfast–Schneider washed the dishes, shooing her away as though they’d had that fight many times before.

_You need to figure out where you are, how you got here, and how to get back to sanity. Reality. Whatever._

The first step, obviously, was to gather more information. It shouldn't be hard, since she was at home here. Some version of her was, anyway.

So, playing along would continue to be her policy.

If Penelope didn’t do a better job of it, though, she was going to get Schneider’s attention. He was already eyeing her with slight concern whenever she was her usual blunt self.

Maybe this world’s Penelope was more careful, in what she said and how she said it? No clue why she would need to be, but worth testing out.

_Step 1: Be nicer to Schneider._

_Step 2: Get his help fitting into this life._

“I’m going to get ready,” she called after she heard the sink shut off. “Should I worry about the dress code?”

“Dress code? Pen, I know you want to make a good first impression, and an engagement is a big deal, but you’re going to look amazing no matter what you wear. Plus it’s a party, not the rehearsal dinner. Dressy cas’ should be more than good enough for Syd’s extended family.”

For a second, the word _engagement_ threatened to stop her heart, but it picked back up when she realized it wasn’t **their** whatever-this-was that Schneider was referring to.

_Were they already married?_

A quick, panicked look down at her hands reassured her that there were no rings there. Penelope hadn’t noticed any on Schneider, either, besides the silver one he wore a lot.

 _Did this world's Penelope know why he wore that?_ She had always wondered--but not enough to ask.

Shaking off the terror of considering a marriage to Schneider, a wedding she hadn’t even been there for, Penelope felt a different weight settle in the center of her chest.

_Syd’s family._

Downstairs was a party for Elena, who was getting married.

Elena was barely eighteen! She was only just starting college! It was so soon. _Too soon._

“Don’t you think they’re rushing into this?” She ventured when Schneider followed her into the bedroom. She was glad to recognize most of her clothes, where they hung or were folded on shelves in his closet. At least choosing an outfit would be easier than making breakfast.

“I know, hon, I get that you feel that way.” This too, was familiar ground, she could tell from Schneider’s tone. Cautious, fond, but also a little bit weary. “But we agreed, you don’t voice those concerns once we get downstairs. Right? Because what matters is the happy couple, who you love a lot.”

“Right.” She was skeptical, but if they’d already agreed…what was she going to do, get in a one-sided argument with alternate reality Penelope?

“Whenever it freaks you out, just squeeze my hand. I’ll take the lead in the conversation. Or create a distraction or something.” Schneider crossed the room to her and kissed her forehead. “And try to remind yourself that twenty may be young, but your daughter has always known what she wanted out of life, and they postponed their engagement a year just to stress you out less.”

_They’d wanted to get engaged a year ago? Elena was twenty?_

“I think I’m going to faint,” she muttered, pressing a hand to her temple where her pulse was throbbing.

 _Okay, helpful information._ Elena was twenty. So this was two years from now, in some other life. She was two years older.

Forty-five was coming up on her fast– _how was that fair?_ That meant…Alex was sixteen. Wow.

Schneider wrapped both arms around her, until she was leaning back against him. _That…well, that felt nice, actually._ He’d always been an excellent hugger; the fact that he was comforting shouldn’t have been a surprise.

But this was so much more intimate. _She was in his **bedroom.**_

Penelope let herself absorb the safety of his embrace, the steadiness of him, before squeezing his forearm to signal her need to move.

“I know it’s a lot to handle,” Schneider offered, “but it’s really important to them to have your support. And you know how happy Syd makes Elena. They may be young, but sometimes when you know, you know.”

“Yeah.” Penelope let out a slow breath and went to stare at his closet. _Their closet?_

 _When did she know about Schneider?_ she wondered. _When did all this happen?_

He was so familiar with her, like they’d been together for years, but if this was two years away, that couldn’t be possible. That would mean in this life, she’d started dating him… before Mateo? Before Max? She couldn’t fathom it.

The alternative, that maybe this was a new relationship and they were already in the advanced stages, wasn’t any more comforting. 

_How was it even possible that she could’ve accepted one of Schneider’s flirtatious overtures?_

Dating him, living with him...god, sleeping with him. It meant risking his ties to her family, and their friendship.

_What the hell had this Penelope been thinking?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title borrowed from "The Breaking Light" by Vienna Teng.


	4. some kind of fumbling light

“Elena!” Any attempt to be cool about this whole alternate reality thing flew out the window as soon as Penelope led the way into what used to be her home and was faced with her little girl. 

Two years older, and a world away.

“Oh, you’re so grown up,” she said, squeezing Elena hard in a hug, trying to feel a connection to this life she’d missed out on. Whatever else had changed, this was still her daughter. 

“Mom, air. Air is important.”

“Sorry. But it’s… _mira,_ your hair.”

“Do we have to go through this every time? I know, it’s so much shorter.” Elena rolled her eyes at Schneider.

“I still think it’s great,” he offered, ignoring the look Penelope shot him. _Whose side was he on, anyway?_

“Thank you, **Schneider.** It’s so much less work, I have way more time for important things. Like researching grad schools and…well, we’ll talk about that later.” Elena beamed at her mom and directed them both to the dinner party in progress.

Her table had been replaced by a bigger one Penelope didn’t recognize. The couch was gone, too, with loveseats and chairs arranged to add more space to the dining room.

It was a jarring change, but so was seeing her _Mami’s_ curtained room with no curtain, and only one Pope on the wall. Penelope had just enough time to wonder if in this world, there was no more Lydia Riera dancing through life, before her _Mami_ appeared from the hallway and greeted her in cheerful Spanish.

“And Schneider, come kiss me hello,” she ordered, clearly no less fond of her honorary son now that he was more like a son-in-law. He responded in Spanish, with the same terrible accent Penelope remembered. 

She was glad not everything had changed.

Elena began making introductions between the polite strangers at the table and Penelope and Schneider, catching them up to the others who had already met them.

Her best guess was that this was the lead-up to official wedding events, because quite a few of Syd's relatives were there. Penelope had met their parents before-years ago, technically, in this reality-but the cousins and aunts and uncles were new. And not local. One of Syd’s aunts had the thickest Southern accent she had ever heard.

Being seated next to Schneider at the table was a relief, something she could cling to while she was trying not to trip over her words or seem as baffled by everything as she really was. He assumed she was tense about the wedding, kept rubbing her back a little or sliding his hand into hers and holding on.

It helped a lot more than she would’ve predicted. In every reality, Schneider was good at grounding her.

The rest of the family was also filling in the gaps in conversation, taking the pressure off her. Alex was late, which surprised nobody but Penelope. _Hadn’t she raised him better than that?_

Elena was all smiles, radiating engagement bliss at Syd, her family and her future in-laws. Syd kept busy trying to be the connecting force between their family and Elena’s. Lydia bustled from table to kitchen and back, ignoring everyone’s attempts to give her a rest. Schneider teased stories out of reticent family members in between checking on Penelope, more at home in a hosting role than she had seen him before.

Penelope stayed quiet and soaked it all up. As far as she could tell, dinner wasn't going to help her figure things out...but if she did make it back home, she wouldn’t get to see more of this future.

And compared to the half-empty nest she had waiting for her in reality, this night was bursting with noise and hope and family.

Everyone seemed really happy. Not stressed-out-happy either, just content. Settled.

That included the man with his hand resting against the nape of her neck as the last of Syd's relatives left. 

"You okay?" Schneider murmured, low enough that only Penelope could hear. 

The simmering anxiety under her company manners made her want to lean into his touch and breathe easier there.

_She didn't. Obviously. Because that would be crazy, and she was about 80% sure that while this **situation** was insane, she wasn't._

Instead she nodded, letting that motion nudge his hand off her. 

"Yeah, I'm good. I'm gonna go check in with Elena. And my mom."

If her voice was strained, Penelope hoped Schneider would take that for mother-of-the-bride jitters.

 _Apparently, in a relationship, Schneider was very affectionate._

In the middle of everything, she wasn't sure why that was getting to her. He was an affectionate friend, too. They hugged all the time, and any personal space boundaries she used to enforce just seemed silly these days. 

But even her Schneider held back from being this casual about it. Schneider's behavior today screamed _I know every inch of you very well by now_ and it was too much.

It was intense. 

It was weird...how weird it wasn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title borrowed from "California" by Kina Grannis.

**Author's Note:**

> Story title borrowed from "Kamikaze" by Walk The Moon.
> 
> #75 in my 100 Stories Challenge for ODAAT. Prompt list [here](https://actuallylorelaigilmore.tumblr.com/post/186061589290/because-i-needed-a-challenge-to-get-me-back-into).


End file.
